PERSONAL

5:55 on 5/30

“Art is to console those who are broken by life.” ― Vincent van Gogh
But I’m no longer broken, I am putting myself back together stronger than ever. 

Photo on 5-30-17 at 5.06 PM #2.jpg
ART CONSOLES THE BROKEN…at least that is the case with me.

I’ve gotten up and started reading again, writing again, taking pictures and getting pictures taken of me again. It’s been feeling really good, I feel like I’m falling back in love with the person I am becoming. I’ve been picking up new music, listening to recommendations this time instead of blowing them off and sticking with my set playlist.

Does food count as art? I have been eating so much, cooking new things, and exploring new places to eat lately. I usually take a togo box because my eyes are almost always bigger than my stomach, but I do my best to clear my plate.

Happiness is not a simple destination, there is a quote that explains it better somewhere…I know there is. Finding myself has made me extremely happy, and this is only the beginning. I felt like I was finding myself last fall, but I was wrong. I really lost myself a couple months ago and began to worry about everyone else’s happiness except my own…I found myself trying to impress everyone, even people that I had never met before.

The only person to blame is me, I get distracted extremely easily and I can be to…..nice. If you know me in person, you are probably laughing your ass IMG_3818.pngoff…depending on how well you know me. I’ve been told I have a big heart, but it’s very cold when I want it to be. I picture a little me inside my chest, re-heating and re-icing my heart as my brain goes back and forth. I find indecisiveness as a weakness and a strength.

Several times when I wasn’t feeling myself, I would ask myself the question “Why me?“, and I hear God telling me in my head as a write this “Because there is a reason for why I am doing this.” I really began to restrengthen my faith since the new year. It’s a good thing but also a IMG_8445.pngbad thing, because I felt guilty. I shouldn’t only try to strengthen my faith when I need something, but all the time. I felt guilty for the longest time…I went from praying once a month to praying daily. Sometimes, multiple times a day. The case use to be that I would only pray when I needed something, but once I began to pray daily, even if I had the most amazing day…I would pray before I went to bed. It just feels right to me now…Art has helped me…and God has helped me…along with the amazing supportive pyramid I have behind me.

I apologize that this post is everywhere, it’s been a while that I wrote something without a prompt or a rant, whoops. 

My circle has gotten smaller as months pass by and that’s okay with me. I use to be the person that wanted everyone to like me. Walking into a place, wondering if everyone likes me and trying my best to impress them. Now I walk into a place and wonder if I like them. I am learning to live my life for myself.

I graduate college in 73 days. 73. !!!!!!! I’m going to cry when it gets to 50, then 25, then 5…..then graduation day I know I will be a full on mess. Sometimes I think about how far I come and I already begin to get emotional. I never thought I would be at where I am now, mentally, physically or emotionally. Damn. I have really began to blossom. I really am falling back in love with the person I am becoming.

As I had mentioned, I thought I began to find myself last Fall and I was wrong…let me explain that a bit. I did begin to find myself…but abruptly stopped and jumped into a relationship I thought that I was ready for. Cut clear…I wasn’t. I wanted to be ready so bad…but I wasn’t. Because of this, I put myself on hold/the back burner/to the side or whatever metaphor you want to use…and I put my partner first. I don’t think there was anything wrong with me doing that, but I was selfless in a sense that I never made sure I was good too.

As you can assume, that relationship ended. As much as it hurt me, I feel lucky now because I realize how much that could have really hurt me deeper in the long run. Of course I was upset and heartbroken. I went through the stages of grief/anger/crybaby when someone breaks your heart.

Coming back down to earth and out of cupid’s joke of a couple months, I began to find myself again. I say this every damn time that I get hurt but this time I really mean it:

I will not let anyone hinder me from my dreams, hinder me from my growth, or hinder me from my happiness ever again” (Can I get a AMEN?)

I’m back, posting weekly now. More coming soon!
– Ambz

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2 thoughts on “5:55 on 5/30

  1. To be honest. I came across your Instagram a long time ago and I’m not even sure how. To stay on the honesty path of course I followed you because I think you’re gorgeous. The point is though, I can relate on some levels. I know the feeling of constantly being pulled back and forth by your brain. I hope everything goes really well and I loved your post.

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